Love and Hate: The Food Addiction

This is a hard subject for me to write about, but my heart has been heavy for a while and I need to get it off my chest. This is a trying time for me, so I am not at my strongest as I write this. Please bear with me as I bare my soul.

I’ve never hated and loved something so much in my entire life as I do food. It has been my best friend and my worst enemy. Many of you probably feel the same way that I do. Food has been a coping mechanism, a stress reliever, a cure for boredom. Food has been a way to celebrate, a way to “treat” yourself after a long week, and a way to find happiness in the hard times. I know that most dieticians will tell you that you have to stop looking at food this way. You should only see it as a source of energy and nothing more. But I truly have a problem with that. Food is one of the main sources of happiness in my world. Life has not been easy over the course of my 31 years, as I’m sure no one has had an easy life. What normally made me happy was a delicious meal. I also love to cook and I enjoy making others happy by giving them something wonderful to eat. Planning meals excites me!

But then there’s the ugly side of this addiction. I have to look at myself in the mirror every day. I have to put on clothes that used to fit, but are now extremely tight (and take them off with a vicious rage). I try to pose my head in just the right place for pictures so that you can’t see my double chin. I completely avoid clothing stores because trying on new clothes makes me die a little inside. I have to listen to friends who complain about being fat, when I probably weigh 100 lbs more than them. I had a student today tell his friend that if I sat on the swing set, I would break it. Friends ask me to work out, but I’m embarrassed to join in because I’ll get winded way too easily and not be able to keep up.

And then, when I do get the courage to try and diet again, I struggle to lose weight even more because I have PCOS. Here are some fun facts about this stupid condition:

• Infertility (not able to get pregnant) because of not ovulating. In fact, PCOS is the most common cause of female infertility.
• Infrequent, absent, and/or irregular menstrual periods
• Hirsutism (HER-suh-tiz-um) — increased hair growth on the face, chest, stomach, back, thumbs, or toes
• Cysts on the ovaries
• Acne, oily skin, or dandruff
• Weight gain or obesity, usually with extra weight around the waist
• Male-pattern baldness or thinning hair
• Patches of skin on the neck, arms, breasts, or thighs that are thick and dark brown or black
• Skin tags — excess flaps of skin in the armpits or neck area
• Pelvic pain
• Anxiety or depression
• Sleep apnea — when breathing stops for short periods of time while asleep

Yeah, I know. Gross.

Maybe I sound like a whiner and maybe I am. But I am at a point in my life where I truly hurt emotionally each and every day that I wake up because of this stupid weight. Part of me feels like I haven’t found a husband because I’m too fat. And that breaks my heart. Another part of me feels like I may be alone forever because I can’t lose the weight. And yes, I know that fat people get married too, but it’s something that scares me all the time.

I know that I should be stronger about this situation, but I’m truly afraid that I can’t change. I ask that you guys pray for me as I struggle on, hoping that I will be able to make a difference in my weight (besides always going up!).

The Curse of Apathy

Apathy - lack of interest, enthusiasm, or concern.

That has been my life for the past few months. I don't know what happened to make things this way, but that's where I find myself. In a world of apathy. And I can't say that I'm fully apathetic about everything, because I do care deeply about other things in my life. But as far as my diet has gone, for the past several months, I've definitely had a lack of enthusiasm concerning my physical well-being.

I think the main problem has been that I have failed miserably in every attempt that I've ever made. My weight has been the bane of my existence for as long as I can remember. I've never felt pretty enough or good enough with all of my friends who have better bodies than I do. And I know that all women have troubles with their self-esteem, but I feel horrible even being in the same room with them most of the time. I feel like the hulking ogre with all of the princesses around.

I guess I'm writing this to say that I'm doing my absolute best to get back on track with my weight-loss journey this week and I really do covet your prayers. I have a serious love affair with food that has to be stopped now. I honestly don't feel strong enough within myself, but I know that in my weakness, God shows His strength. So please pray with me that things will get better and I'll find the willpower that I need to overcome.

I love you all and appreciate your support.

Rock Me Mama Like A Wagon Wheel...

I know, I know. You probably thought my "fat blog" was a loss. But I did not let it die. I had to go on a hiatus during the holiday season because let's be honest: why in the world did I go on a diet during the holiday season? Anyway, now that the holidays (and my birthday) are coming to an end, I can finally get back to a normal routine!

Honestly, it wasn't just the holidays that caused me to fall off the wagon and break the wheel off, etc. etc. The past two months have been two of the most extremely stressful months of my life. And as a woman, with stress, comes eating. I even discovered today that one of my favorite foods is gravy, so I'm thinking I may have a problem. Crazy enough, even though I haven't been dedicated to my diet, I haven't gained any weight. I feel like that's impossible and my body is hiding it under one of my fat rolls every time I step on the scale, but I'll take it!

Anyway, I just wanted to let you all know that I didn't let the dream die and I'll be back at it again! Thanks for standing by patiently as I ate like I was preparing for hibernation!

How I Fell Off the Bandwagon and Got Run Over On the Way Down...

It's been a long time since my last post. Did you notice? There's been A LOT going on in the past week or so that has kept me busy and crazy, so blogging hasn't been my first priority. And somedays, my diet wasn't either...:/. But I'm getting to that. So let's get to what happened...or didn't happen.

About two weeks ago, I started feeling pretty sick and that developed into an intense case of bronchitis. So, with that mess, I couldn't run and exercise because every time I got worked up, it started a fit of coughing up my lungs. So that threw my entire regimen off. Anyway, after I got on antibiotics, I started getting better, but then last week happened. Last week was the curse of "oh you're on a diet? Here, let me give you twelve cupcakes!" Katie's birthday was last week and we also combined the celebration of Cory's belated birthday with that, so we went out to eat. And the place that we chose was not a place where I could really "get a salad." So, that night was shot. Then, we had our "fraction feast" celebration at school for TWO days last week where our entire fifth grade brought in their recipe projects. I've never seen so many desserts in my life. And with a 10 year old begging you to try their great-grandma's chocolate chip cookie recipe, it was hard to resist. So, I felt pretty useless for the entire week, even though it wasn't the whole week.

Anyway, I've had some good friends checking in on me, as well as my awesome fitness coach. And my friend Ashlee texted me the other day to ask how I was doing and I let her know that things weren't as great as the start of my diet. But she reminded me that this is a lifestyle change and rain showers come up sometimes. We just have to get through it and move on. Where I would have been defeated and felt like a failure from last week before, I have to realize that these things do happen in life, and I just have to move on to this week with renewed passion and drive.

So, I just wanted to let you all know that if you've ever fallen off the bandwagon (in anything) in life, and then had the horse and cart run you over in the process, it's totally acceptable to get up and try again. Luckily, horses are loyal and they don't go too far without you, the driver. :)

Not My Best Day...

So I got up later today than normal. I woke up around 2:30 coughing like a lunatic and had a hard time going back to sleep. When I finally did get back to sleep, I of course had a hard time waking up. So that put me behind for the day and I didn't get to make my protein shake. I didn't think that this was going to be a big deal, but oh how I was wrong! I was starving the entire day. I literally would have eaten the paper off my kids desks if given the opportunity (too far? ok, too far). And then, I didn't go to the stupid grocery store (aka, hell), so I was out of my pre packed calorie lunch. So I had to eat nasty cafeteria lunch, which while not high in calories, was high in disgust.

On to the rest of the day. As I said, I was starving, so I ate some candy from the front desk (sweetarts) and that seemed to curve the hunger for the moment. But I knew that since I had been off all day, I would have to definitely get a run in when I got home. So I came home and got to work. I decided that I would do my couch to 5k outside today instead of on the treadmill at the gym because it was nice outside and maybe I would do better running outside. WRONG. Let me just give you the rundown of how this went:

1. Everything starts out fine because you have a 5:00 walk to get warmed up. But my muscles felt pretty tight so I should have stretched. I didn't stop. Clue #1: problem.

2. Then you start your run for 1:00, walk for 1:30, on and off. I was doing fine. But the hills in the outside terrain were providing some challenges that I hadn't experienced with the treadmill. And again, my muscles weren't getting any more loose.

3. As stated in the first portion of this blog, I was up early in the morning coughing my lungs out. This is because they and my nasal passages are filled with something I don't care to speak of. Kind of like Voldemort. He's the one we don't speak of. So, as I'm running, I discover that I've been a mouth breather for the past few days and while I'm trying to keep everything in my nose, I also begin coughing. No progress here.

4. My muscles again are TIGHT. Like spandex.

5. The drill sergeant on my app keeps yelling at me to run and about half way through, my hip joint locks up and I literally can only wobble. So, I've got a decision to make: either quit and don't finish the other 15 minutes, or walk the rest of the way. Which one did I choose?

6. Well being that it had not been my best day, I chose to let it end better than it started and I chose to finish out the last 15 minutes walking. Even though Salt-n-Pepa were blasting in my earbuds for me to "Push It" and "Push It Real Good," I was honestly doing my best to wobble around for the last part of my work out.

So, maybe not my best day, but I didn't pound down any oreos and I got my workout in somehow. I'll take it.

The Results Are In...

I could hardly sleep all night because I knew that this morning, I would get up and weigh in. I dreamed the night before that I weighed myself and hadn't lost anything. I was crushed! So this morning, I was beyond anxious to know how the week had gone. I did not allow myself to step on the scales one time throughout the week, so I had no clue what I was in for. As I told you before, my fitness coach and I worked out a plan for me to lose 1.6 lbs a week and about 7 lbs a month. So, are you ready for the results?

After week one, I've lost: 5 lbs!

Thanks for the support! Here's to hoping that it continues to go down!

Christmas Tree, Oh Christmas Tree...

You know what I hate? What I truly despise? When Christmas stuff starts coming out way too early. You go into Walgreen's in July and while you're paying for your prescriptions,the cashier asks if you'd like to donate an ornament to a child in Africa. No child in Africa wants an ornament. And it's July. Stop it.

Anyway, I know that I should be prepared for all this Christmas "cheer" because November just hopped itself on over, but I truly despise seeing all this junk in the stores for some reason. Maybe I'm truly a grinch. Or maybe it's because when I went into Walmart yesterday for SALT, this is what I saw:

Only God and Katie Price know how much I adore these crack filled little debbie cakes. I'm pretty sure they lace the sprinkles in cocaine too. So as soon as a round the corner, innocently searching for my needed items, I spotted the end cap with these little demons stacked perfectly in order. I could almost hear Satan laughing at me as I cried tears of sweat. No lies, if I had bought them, I would have fisted about 5 in one sitting. Instead, I took a picture, walked away with sorrow in my heart, and picked up my necessary salt.


On a side note, lots of people at school have asked about why I don't post every day. I figured that most people would get bored reading that many posts and I want to keep it somewhat entertaining for my readers. So, I'll post every few days, but not every day. Look for Monday's post though! My fitness coach has set that as my weight check day and I have a goal of 1.6 lbs each week. So cross your fingers for me!

Thanks for reading and for all the support! I love you all!