I’ve never hated and loved something so much in my entire life as I do food. It has been my best friend and my worst enemy. Many of you probably feel the same way that I do. Food has been a coping mechanism, a stress reliever, a cure for boredom. Food has been a way to celebrate, a way to “treat” yourself after a long week, and a way to find happiness in the hard times. I know that most dieticians will tell you that you have to stop looking at food this way. You should only see it as a source of energy and nothing more. But I truly have a problem with that. Food is one of the main sources of happiness in my world. Life has not been easy over the course of my 31 years, as I’m sure no one has had an easy life. What normally made me happy was a delicious meal. I also love to cook and I enjoy making others happy by giving them something wonderful to eat. Planning meals excites me!
But then there’s the ugly side of this addiction. I have to look at myself in the mirror every day. I have to put on clothes that used to fit, but are now extremely tight (and take them off with a vicious rage). I try to pose my head in just the right place for pictures so that you can’t see my double chin. I completely avoid clothing stores because trying on new clothes makes me die a little inside. I have to listen to friends who complain about being fat, when I probably weigh 100 lbs more than them. I had a student today tell his friend that if I sat on the swing set, I would break it. Friends ask me to work out, but I’m embarrassed to join in because I’ll get winded way too easily and not be able to keep up.
And then, when I do get the courage to try and diet again, I struggle to lose weight even more because I have PCOS. Here are some fun facts about this stupid condition:
- Infertility (not able to get pregnant) because of not ovulating. In fact, PCOS is the most common cause of female infertility.
- Infrequent, absent, and/or irregular menstrual periods
- Hirsutism (HER-suh-tiz-um) — increased hair growth on the face, chest, stomach, back, thumbs, or toes
- Cysts on the ovaries
- Acne, oily skin, or dandruff
- Weight gain or obesity, usually with extra weight around the waist
- Male-pattern baldness or thinning hair
- Patches of skin on the neck, arms, breasts, or thighs that are thick and dark brown or black
- Skin tags — excess flaps of skin in the armpits or neck area
- Pelvic pain
- Anxiety or depression
- Sleep apnea — when breathing stops for short periods of time while asleep
Yeah, I know. Gross.
Maybe I sound like a whiner and maybe I am. But I am at a point in my life where I truly hurt emotionally each and every day that I wake up because of this stupid weight. Part of me feels like I haven’t found a husband because I’m too fat. And that breaks my heart. Another part of me feels like I may be alone forever because I can’t lose the weight. And yes, I know that fat people get married too, but it’s something that scares me all the time.
I know that I should be stronger about this situation, but I’m truly afraid that I can’t change. I ask that you guys pray for me as I struggle on, hoping that I will be able to make a difference in my weight (besides always going up!).
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